Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Since I've "officially" announced this everywhere else and passive-aggressively alluded to it on my blog, it's time that I let the world know what's going on in my life.

I quit my job.

And am moving back to the US.

Next week.

I don't feel like going into all the nasty details but suffice it to say working here has become a danger to my mental health thanks to a variety of people and their actions. As I mentioned before, I am truly heartbroken to be leaving Budapest. I feel as though I am being forced to breakup with someone that I deeply love because of circumstances far beyond our control. I know that I will be back but, in some ways, that makes it worse. Leaving just seems so futile. However, I know that this is the only decision I could make at the moment.

One of the most telling things that this decision was the right one is how violently my employers have reacted. It reminds me of breaking up with my ex this summer. There were things that bothered me enough to the point where I realized that I had to end the relationship (or in this case, job). But it was when I actually ended it (or turned in my letters of resignation) that things REALLY went sour. Anyway.... more on that (maybe) when I leave the country. Suffice it to say, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am better off not working for this organization.

I've gotten a lot of comfort from music lately and want to share a few songs which have really "spoken" to me.

1. "Moving On" by Sixpence None the Richer (I couldn't find a recording on youtube)
It has gotten to my head. Permeates the path I tread.
But I tread, I'm moving on in a new and happy song.
I can sing about the night, how my tunnel without light
Led me to the other side where the sky is blue.

It's all I can do to not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me again.

This song reminds me of the saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." That's why I'm leaving -- so it doesn't get to the "fool me twice" stage.

2. "You Can Still Be Free" by Savage Garden
No regrets or promises
The past is gone
But you can still be free
If time will set you free
Time now to spread your wings
To take to flight
The life endeavor
Aim for the burning sun
You're trapped inside
But you can still be free
If time will set you free
But it's a long long way to go

In the middle of my struggle with my decision, this song came up on my ipod one day on the way home from work. As I listened, it moved me to tears. That was one of the first moments that I knew what I needed to do. Yes, I can't change what's happened and it will be a long way to go, but in the end, I will be free.

3. "Find Your Wings" by Mark Harris
I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly

The same day that "You Can Still Be Free" spoke to me, this song did as well. At this point, my parents weren't completely on board with my decision. I'm very different from my parents in some ways and one of those is that I am much more open about feelings and emotions. This song has always seemed to be what I think (and hope) my parents would say to me if they talked about things like this. Also, the line about needing to reach for the sky is so key... if you're just existing that's not much of a life.

4. "Kell meg egy szo" by Dolhai Attila (you know I had to include at least ONE song by him)
Nézz rám, s ne ígérj,
nézz rám, sose félj!
Ha nincs hely, ahol élj,
indulj haza felé!
(ROUGH translation -- courtesy of google)

I love, love, love this song. But the last line is especially perfect for this situation. "If you can't find a place to live, turn towards home." (That's my rough translation) It reminds me of what Deb keeps telling me: "don't postpone living." While living in Budapest has always been my dream, this work mess is turning that into a nightmare. It's time to wake up from that nightmare and get back to living!

*** NOTE ***
Not everyone at work has been causing me problems. I have made some good friends who I will miss a ton. Also, I love my kids. They made the decision excruciating because I have formed such an attachment to them. In the end, however, if this job is beating me down to less than my best then I am not capable of giving them what they deserve.

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