Sunday, October 16, 2011

Motivation..

... and how I have none these days.

I'm back in the States. Living at my parents' house. Searching, desperately, for a car. With no success so far. It's incredibly frustrating. I have a place to live in PA. I've seen so many job advertizements that I want to apply for. But, until I have a way to get anywhere, I'm stuck. My life has consisted on sitting on the couch playing computer games alternated with checking the craigslist pages for three different cities (I love living in the middle of nowhere) to see if any new cars have been posted in the 20 minutes since I looked last. I've been slacking on everything. No blogging, no music practicing (despite having multiple auditions coming up ... provided I have transportation and can get to them), no going out (I've no money -- especially after the foundation refused to pay me for the last month that I worked). I check facebook and my email but don't even respond to messages half the time. If you're one of the people who I haven't gotten back to, I'm sorry.

I just feel so trapped. Part of this is a chemical problem which I'm working on correcting. This was the worst time of my entire life so far to try and wean off my meds. Add in the fact that I really had no desire to do so but finally talked to the doctor after being nagged and nagged to the breaking point by someone whose attitude towards medicine is basically: "drugs = bad, no drugs = good." Thankfully, that person is no longer part of my life and so I can try to reverse the problems that less medication has been causing.

Coming back to the States, I knew things wouldn't be easy. But I had no concept of just how hard they would be. Not only am I not where I want to be (Budapest), I don't have the option of moving on until I have a car. People ask me all the time if I'm home "for good." All I can tell them is I'm here "for now." Hopefully, I'll be out of this town soon but I'll likely be in the States for the foreseeable future. This job which I fled was my "trump card" to get me back to Hungary. And, now, I've played the card and life has turned into a whole new game in which it's not useful.

In conclusion, please pray for me. My life is a mess and I'm having a hard time dealing with everything. I will try to blog more frequently, but I can't make any promises. Once I'm actually "settled" I'm planning to make some "new life" resolutions including blogging on a regular basis. It just feels dumb to start any of that while life is so up in the air.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry. You're in my thoughts, and we miss you!

    ReplyDelete