Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Since I've "officially" announced this everywhere else and passive-aggressively alluded to it on my blog, it's time that I let the world know what's going on in my life.

I quit my job.

And am moving back to the US.

Next week.

I don't feel like going into all the nasty details but suffice it to say working here has become a danger to my mental health thanks to a variety of people and their actions. As I mentioned before, I am truly heartbroken to be leaving Budapest. I feel as though I am being forced to breakup with someone that I deeply love because of circumstances far beyond our control. I know that I will be back but, in some ways, that makes it worse. Leaving just seems so futile. However, I know that this is the only decision I could make at the moment.

One of the most telling things that this decision was the right one is how violently my employers have reacted. It reminds me of breaking up with my ex this summer. There were things that bothered me enough to the point where I realized that I had to end the relationship (or in this case, job). But it was when I actually ended it (or turned in my letters of resignation) that things REALLY went sour. Anyway.... more on that (maybe) when I leave the country. Suffice it to say, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am better off not working for this organization.

I've gotten a lot of comfort from music lately and want to share a few songs which have really "spoken" to me.

1. "Moving On" by Sixpence None the Richer (I couldn't find a recording on youtube)
It has gotten to my head. Permeates the path I tread.
But I tread, I'm moving on in a new and happy song.
I can sing about the night, how my tunnel without light
Led me to the other side where the sky is blue.

It's all I can do to not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me again.

This song reminds me of the saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." That's why I'm leaving -- so it doesn't get to the "fool me twice" stage.

2. "You Can Still Be Free" by Savage Garden
No regrets or promises
The past is gone
But you can still be free
If time will set you free
Time now to spread your wings
To take to flight
The life endeavor
Aim for the burning sun
You're trapped inside
But you can still be free
If time will set you free
But it's a long long way to go

In the middle of my struggle with my decision, this song came up on my ipod one day on the way home from work. As I listened, it moved me to tears. That was one of the first moments that I knew what I needed to do. Yes, I can't change what's happened and it will be a long way to go, but in the end, I will be free.

3. "Find Your Wings" by Mark Harris
I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly

The same day that "You Can Still Be Free" spoke to me, this song did as well. At this point, my parents weren't completely on board with my decision. I'm very different from my parents in some ways and one of those is that I am much more open about feelings and emotions. This song has always seemed to be what I think (and hope) my parents would say to me if they talked about things like this. Also, the line about needing to reach for the sky is so key... if you're just existing that's not much of a life.

4. "Kell meg egy szo" by Dolhai Attila (you know I had to include at least ONE song by him)
Nézz rám, s ne ígérj,
nézz rám, sose félj!
Ha nincs hely, ahol élj,
indulj haza felé!
(ROUGH translation -- courtesy of google)

I love, love, love this song. But the last line is especially perfect for this situation. "If you can't find a place to live, turn towards home." (That's my rough translation) It reminds me of what Deb keeps telling me: "don't postpone living." While living in Budapest has always been my dream, this work mess is turning that into a nightmare. It's time to wake up from that nightmare and get back to living!

*** NOTE ***
Not everyone at work has been causing me problems. I have made some good friends who I will miss a ton. Also, I love my kids. They made the decision excruciating because I have formed such an attachment to them. In the end, however, if this job is beating me down to less than my best then I am not capable of giving them what they deserve.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Rings (tried and failed to think of a catchy title)

There is something I find incredibly attractive about a famous person (specifically men) wearing a wedding ring.

Before anyone jumps on my case... I am not saying that I would ever consider pursuing one of these men. Quite the contrary. It is their very unavailability that I find so attractive. That they have no problem with this quiet statement that they love their wife. It gives me hope. Not that I expect to marry someone famous, if I do get married in the first place. But that, some guy will someday wear a ring as a symbol of his commitment to me.

I think it's especially awesome when said famous person has a career as a performer. Yes, their job may require them to be linked romantically with various women. But, on their time, that ring makes it clear where their allegiances lie. Of course, in my case, I would probably be the one in the relationship on stage. Thinking about it though, I can't help but imagine how much easier it would be if my costars were wearing rings in their free time.

The example which inspired this post is really going to shock everyone...


Case in point... a gorgeous man, a wedding ring, and an adorable daughter...
Can I have one? Please?
(In Hungary, rings are worn on the left hand during engagement -- for both guys and girls --
and then moved to the right hand after getting married)

** Note.. I didn't realize the picture wasn't showing up at first. Obviously it's fixed now :) Enjoy!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

A picture is worth a 1000 beautiful words ;-)

And here are 5 of them!!

On Friday evening, I went to the Pesti Broadway Fesztival which is two days of outdoor concerts to celebrate the opening of the season for the Budapest Operetta Theater. I was ridiculously excited because one of the stars there is Dolhai Attila... who just happens to be my favorite singer.
In. The. Whole. World.

I went straight after work with one of the other kindy teachers and we managed to get to the side of the stage between the stage and the building where the singers were chillaxing. That meant everyone had to walk by us to get to the stage. Much excitement (and picture taking) ensued

The middle of the three guys standing in the doorway -- Dolhai Attila!!!!

Far left: walking back from stage after gracing our ears :)

Standing by the stage watching friends and singing along... precious

Coming out into the mob of people waiting for him after the show... "Ok, guys, seriously, you're scaring me a little... I'll stand over there by the other door, go line up." (not an exact translation but the general idea of what he said)

AND... Then....





He asked what my name was so that he could autograph my copy of one of his CDs (which I had found second hand the day before ... for 990ft -- less than $5). I told him it was Rozsa (wasn't going to mess around with the American version... especially since it sounds like the Hungarian word for "bad"). Took two tries thanks to my terrible American accent. Then tragedy struck.

(I would totally throw it against the wall.... except that he touched it)

So..this was the result:
The CD, the evil pen, and the beginnings of "To Rose" or something like that (it's on his collar.. I know it's kind of hard to see... gee... thanks pen.)

Next time: picture with him.
Sadly, that will likely be years away :(
Damn you, stupid work mess!!

Edit: Maybe not years away -- just bought a ticket for Romeo es Julia the night before I leave... waiting at the stage door after the show is a distinct possibility!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

So much to say and no idea how to say it

HUGE changes going on in my life right now.

I'm at peace with the decision I've made but I'm absolutely heartbroken by the side effects. Last night was the first night I cried myself to sleep (I've got the headache this morning to show for it) and I'm sure it will not be the last. Since I am trying to respect (although I don't feel it deserves that!) this ridiculous "adult time-out" which has been imposed upon me, I can't say exactly what's happening. Most of my close friends know and if you don't feel free to shoot me an email... not guaranteeing that I will respond right away, but it can't hurt to try. All I can say is if anyone thinks I'm the least bit happy then they must have met me about 10 years ago and haven't seen me since.

(Yes, I do plan to finish blogging about WYD (and the Miss Saigon production that I saw the other day) ... so sorry for the delay, this problem has been eating away at me and I'm too mentally and emotionally exhausted to deal with much more at the moment)