Saturday, October 29, 2011

Just a quiet Saturday night in

Now that things have calmed down somewhat, I need to get back to updating my blog. I've finally moved back to Gbg. No car yet, but I'm borrowing one of my parents' for now.

I've got a job! It's only temporary and part-time but it's something and I love it. I'm back in the costume shop at SHU, which means I'm technically on staff at my alma mater.


I have a staff email.


My name shows up in the staff directory ... with the awful picture from my freshman year student ID.


I'm back in the lovely Victorian house where I lived my senior year in school. It's quite a funny example of mi casa es su casa because after I rented the place my senior year, my good friend, Caitlyn, started renting it. Now, we are renting together. So.. my house is literally her house and now OUR house.

The car search isn't going too well. I've started a novena to St. Jude and hopefully he will intercede for me because heaven knows I need all the help I can get.

Monday, October 17, 2011

I wish

- that it wasn't absolutely necessary to own a car in this country (unless you live in a major city)

- that I wasn't dealing with major chemical imbalances at an already extremely stressful time of my life (thanks, ex-boyfriend ... appreciate it immensely) **Note, I am gradually going back to my standard dose... but it will take time for it to work it's way back into my system

- that I was a stronger person and could have just dealt with the chaos that was my former job.

- that God would just leave me alone if He's not going to help with anything.

- that praying didn't seem totally pointless.

- that I had something to do with my life other than sit like a huge useless blob on my parents' couch searching for cars which get sold before I can see them or are too far away from Nowheresville for my parents to drive me there or have broken emergency brakes which the dealer "forgets" to tell me about or are in some other way completely unsuitable.

- that I could actually believe that God has a plan and wants something good for my life.

.... I think next time, I'll just wish for something realistic... like a pony.

Sunday, October 16, 2011


... and how I have none these days.

I'm back in the States. Living at my parents' house. Searching, desperately, for a car. With no success so far. It's incredibly frustrating. I have a place to live in PA. I've seen so many job advertizements that I want to apply for. But, until I have a way to get anywhere, I'm stuck. My life has consisted on sitting on the couch playing computer games alternated with checking the craigslist pages for three different cities (I love living in the middle of nowhere) to see if any new cars have been posted in the 20 minutes since I looked last. I've been slacking on everything. No blogging, no music practicing (despite having multiple auditions coming up ... provided I have transportation and can get to them), no going out (I've no money -- especially after the foundation refused to pay me for the last month that I worked). I check facebook and my email but don't even respond to messages half the time. If you're one of the people who I haven't gotten back to, I'm sorry.

I just feel so trapped. Part of this is a chemical problem which I'm working on correcting. This was the worst time of my entire life so far to try and wean off my meds. Add in the fact that I really had no desire to do so but finally talked to the doctor after being nagged and nagged to the breaking point by someone whose attitude towards medicine is basically: "drugs = bad, no drugs = good." Thankfully, that person is no longer part of my life and so I can try to reverse the problems that less medication has been causing.

Coming back to the States, I knew things wouldn't be easy. But I had no concept of just how hard they would be. Not only am I not where I want to be (Budapest), I don't have the option of moving on until I have a car. People ask me all the time if I'm home "for good." All I can tell them is I'm here "for now." Hopefully, I'll be out of this town soon but I'll likely be in the States for the foreseeable future. This job which I fled was my "trump card" to get me back to Hungary. And, now, I've played the card and life has turned into a whole new game in which it's not useful.

In conclusion, please pray for me. My life is a mess and I'm having a hard time dealing with everything. I will try to blog more frequently, but I can't make any promises. Once I'm actually "settled" I'm planning to make some "new life" resolutions including blogging on a regular basis. It just feels dumb to start any of that while life is so up in the air.