Guatemala!

So, I moved to Guatemala City last week.

In the two years since I’ve blogged, I finished my contract in Beijing and then was in Lahore, Pakistan for one year. Lahore was great... the country is beautiful, the people are friendly, and the pollution made me nostalgic for Beijing. Unfortunately, that last item led to a contract amendment so that I could live in a place where I could breathe. Hence, Guatemala!

The strangest thing about moving here was how easy it was. I left Pittsburgh at 7am and arrived in Guatemala before noon! For someone who has moved to Europe or Asia six times, arriving to my new home in less than ten hours door-to-door with no jet lag was surreal.

We started orientation for new teachers on Friday and then went to Antigua on Saturday. This morning, the English Mass was canceled at the nearest church to me. However, it was canceled because they were having a special celebration for the 12th anniversary of beginning Perpetual Adoration. Can’t complain about that!!! Plus, the church is safe walking distance from my apartment and they have an evening Mass most days of the week. I was praying for something like this. In China, it was impossible to go to daily Mass or adoration, in Pakistan, daily Mass was accessible but there wasn’t adoration. Now, in Guatemala, I’ve got both!

I’m hoping to get back into a habit of blogging weekly, so expect to see updates on weekends.

See new blog title :-)

As you can see, I've got big plans for next year!

As of today, I have officially submitted my application for the Central European Teaching Program and, baring any unexpected disaster, will be teaching ESL in Hungary starting in the Fall. I am thrilled to be going home and so thankful that CETP is providing the way for me to get there. My placement isn't definite but I am most likely going to be working at a bilingual elementary school in a small city (~25,000) called Hajdúszoboszló in Eastern Hungary near Debrecen (the second largest city in Hungary). After such a rough few months, it is hard to express just how happy I am to have a direction and something to work towards again. As I get more information, I will continue to share it but for right now, my plan is to arrive in Hungary between August 13 and 20, bum around in BP for a week or so before CETP orientation starts on August 23rd, then head east to begin teaching.

Open Letter To My Soon To Be Former Landlady

So, I'm getting kicked out of my house, thanks to my nutso landlady. Because she is, quite literally, crazy, I know that nothing I could say to her would break through her skull. To satisfy my need to express my feelings towards her, despite the fact that she will never see this, I am writing this letter. I'll call her Ursula, because it's a good villain name (and it's what her parents conveniently named her).

Dear Ursula,

I was very sad to see the email you addressed to me for a number of reasons. After past experiences, I am not surprised to see you make such a bizarre and over-reactive action of telling me to leave. Your handling of the situation, however, really saddens me. To say that I am not angry would be a lie, but stronger than the anger is pity.

Yes, I pity you. I cannot imagine living with such OCD/anal retentive-ness that a simple request for privacy in a room I am paying to use would result in throwing me out of your house. That must be a very difficult life. The idea of being so upset over being asked not to clean a room that you have no reason to ever be in and to let the people who are paying you for the use of the room arrange the furniture in the way most comfortable to them is unfathomable to me. If these are considered "unreasonable demands," (your wording, I believe) especially when phrased in such a respectful, diplomatic way as C. (my roommate) and I did, then I can only imagine what the reaction would be should we have actually wanted something extreme. Thankfully, we will never have to find out.

You may notice that I mentioned C. and I phrasing things together. This is because that is exactly what happened. In reading (if you actually did) our email, you should have seen that everything was "we" vs. "I," it was signed by both of us, and sent from her email address. Most people would have interpreted that the email was from both of your tenants. I am at a loss as to how we could have spelled it out more clearly. The fact that you singled me out in your response and told me that while I have until December 15th to leave, C. can stay as long as she likes was appalling. As was the fact that you sent the email, addressed to me, to her address. I think it is incredibly sad that a grown woman would stoop to such levels. We have communicated many times via email both when I was living here previously and also in the past two months. There was absolutely no reason to attempt to avoid dealing directly with me. That was nothing short of childish. The same can be said for the additional emails which you sent to C. mentioning me and your asking that I leave prior to contacting me personally. Your assurances to her that you hope she will continue living here are laughable. What incentive could she possibly have for staying now that it is painfully obvious that we have no rights as renters and are, essentially, paying you for the privilege of house-sitting for you?

In conclusion, I will be out of your house well before your deadline. Additionally, I will make sure to be gone this Thanksgiving weekend while you are here so as not to disturb you by anything "unacceptable" that my presence may entail. Finally, if I ever see you advertise this room on craigslist or anything similar (which I anticipate you will be doing soon), please be assured that I will be writing to the website and/or posting an ad of my own warning people. While I will not stoop to your level and make unintelligible statements (They are crazy, wahh, wahh, wahh) I will absolutely tell them the truth. That you do not consider the renters to have any rights, they may not arrange things in their room, you do not want them to change the temperature so that they are comfortable, and, above all, you will give them no lease so if you change your mind about them living here on a whim, they have no recourse when you evict them.

Sincerely,
Rose

Just a quiet Saturday night in

Now that things have calmed down somewhat, I need to get back to updating my blog. I've finally moved back to Gbg. No car yet, but I'm borrowing one of my parents' for now.

I've got a job! It's only temporary and part-time but it's something and I love it. I'm back in the costume shop at SHU, which means I'm technically on staff at my alma mater.

WEIRD.

I have a staff email.

WEIRDER.

My name shows up in the staff directory ... with the awful picture from my freshman year student ID.

WEIRDEST.

I'm back in the lovely Victorian house where I lived my senior year in school. It's quite a funny example of mi casa es su casa because after I rented the place my senior year, my good friend, Caitlyn, started renting it. Now, we are renting together. So.. my house is literally her house and now OUR house.

The car search isn't going too well. I've started a novena to St. Jude and hopefully he will intercede for me because heaven knows I need all the help I can get.

Motivation..

... and how I have none these days.

I'm back in the States. Living at my parents' house. Searching, desperately, for a car. With no success so far. It's incredibly frustrating. I have a place to live in PA. I've seen so many job advertizements that I want to apply for. But, until I have a way to get anywhere, I'm stuck. My life has consisted on sitting on the couch playing computer games alternated with checking the craigslist pages for three different cities (I love living in the middle of nowhere) to see if any new cars have been posted in the 20 minutes since I looked last. I've been slacking on everything. No blogging, no music practicing (despite having multiple auditions coming up ... provided I have transportation and can get to them), no going out (I've no money -- especially after the foundation refused to pay me for the last month that I worked). I check facebook and my email but don't even respond to messages half the time. If you're one of the people who I haven't gotten back to, I'm sorry.

I just feel so trapped. Part of this is a chemical problem which I'm working on correcting. This was the worst time of my entire life so far to try and wean off my meds. Add in the fact that I really had no desire to do so but finally talked to the doctor after being nagged and nagged to the breaking point by someone whose attitude towards medicine is basically: "drugs = bad, no drugs = good." Thankfully, that person is no longer part of my life and so I can try to reverse the problems that less medication has been causing.

Coming back to the States, I knew things wouldn't be easy. But I had no concept of just how hard they would be. Not only am I not where I want to be (Budapest), I don't have the option of moving on until I have a car. People ask me all the time if I'm home "for good." All I can tell them is I'm here "for now." Hopefully, I'll be out of this town soon but I'll likely be in the States for the foreseeable future. This job which I fled was my "trump card" to get me back to Hungary. And, now, I've played the card and life has turned into a whole new game in which it's not useful.

In conclusion, please pray for me. My life is a mess and I'm having a hard time dealing with everything. I will try to blog more frequently, but I can't make any promises. Once I'm actually "settled" I'm planning to make some "new life" resolutions including blogging on a regular basis. It just feels dumb to start any of that while life is so up in the air.

Leaving

Since I've "officially" announced this everywhere else and passive-aggressively alluded to it on my blog, it's time that I let the world know what's going on in my life.

I quit my job.

And am moving back to the US.

Next week.

I don't feel like going into all the nasty details but suffice it to say working here has become a danger to my mental health thanks to a variety of people and their actions. As I mentioned before, I am truly heartbroken to be leaving Budapest. I feel as though I am being forced to breakup with someone that I deeply love because of circumstances far beyond our control. I know that I will be back but, in some ways, that makes it worse. Leaving just seems so futile. However, I know that this is the only decision I could make at the moment.

One of the most telling things that this decision was the right one is how violently my employers have reacted. It reminds me of breaking up with my ex this summer. There were things that bothered me enough to the point where I realized that I had to end the relationship (or in this case, job). But it was when I actually ended it (or turned in my letters of resignation) that things REALLY went sour. Anyway.... more on that (maybe) when I leave the country. Suffice it to say, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am better off not working for this organization.

I've gotten a lot of comfort from music lately and want to share a few songs which have really "spoken" to me.

1. "Moving On" by Sixpence None the Richer (I couldn't find a recording on youtube)
It has gotten to my head. Permeates the path I tread.
But I tread, I'm moving on in a new and happy song.
I can sing about the night, how my tunnel without light
Led me to the other side where the sky is blue.

It's all I can do to not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me.
I will not let them ruin me again.

This song reminds me of the saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." That's why I'm leaving -- so it doesn't get to the "fool me twice" stage.

2. "You Can Still Be Free" by Savage Garden
No regrets or promises
The past is gone
But you can still be free
If time will set you free
Time now to spread your wings
To take to flight
The life endeavor
Aim for the burning sun
You're trapped inside
But you can still be free
If time will set you free
But it's a long long way to go

In the middle of my struggle with my decision, this song came up on my ipod one day on the way home from work. As I listened, it moved me to tears. That was one of the first moments that I knew what I needed to do. Yes, I can't change what's happened and it will be a long way to go, but in the end, I will be free.

3. "Find Your Wings" by Mark Harris
I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things

It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly

The same day that "You Can Still Be Free" spoke to me, this song did as well. At this point, my parents weren't completely on board with my decision. I'm very different from my parents in some ways and one of those is that I am much more open about feelings and emotions. This song has always seemed to be what I think (and hope) my parents would say to me if they talked about things like this. Also, the line about needing to reach for the sky is so key... if you're just existing that's not much of a life.

4. "Kell meg egy szo" by Dolhai Attila (you know I had to include at least ONE song by him)
Nézz rám, s ne ígérj,
nézz rám, sose félj!
Ha nincs hely, ahol élj,
indulj haza felé!
(ROUGH translation -- courtesy of google)

I love, love, love this song. But the last line is especially perfect for this situation. "If you can't find a place to live, turn towards home." (That's my rough translation) It reminds me of what Deb keeps telling me: "don't postpone living." While living in Budapest has always been my dream, this work mess is turning that into a nightmare. It's time to wake up from that nightmare and get back to living!

*** NOTE ***
Not everyone at work has been causing me problems. I have made some good friends who I will miss a ton. Also, I love my kids. They made the decision excruciating because I have formed such an attachment to them. In the end, however, if this job is beating me down to less than my best then I am not capable of giving them what they deserve.

Is this for real?

It's starting to set in. I am actually moving to Europe... next week. Now that I have a place to stay for the first month (a flat arranged by the language school where I'm doing the CELTA course), I feel like I can actually start packing. Most of my shopping is done - I've had to remind myself that I'm moving to Budapest not Siberia... stocking up on a specific hair conditioner - ok, buying extra underwear - unnecessary. The list of things that I can't wait to do is increasing rapidly. The first few weeks will be rough with jet lag, culture shock, and the CELTA course all at once but at least I can look forward to the food. I might not have time for much those weeks but I have to eat :) and eat I will! If it takes more than 24 hours in the country for me to have a turo rudi there will be a serious problem!

Finding out about this flat has been such a relief. I was getting worried -- didn't want to be spending my first night in Budapest under a bridge (exaggeration!! I would have at least found a hostel). Not only is the flat in a great location - District I and only one tram stop or a short walk from Moszkva Ter (where the school is and a major transportation hub) - it's also a studio single... with INTERNET! The way God provides is just amazing.

In other news, I went to see the Figaro cover run last night with Kate, my housemate. It was hilarious. I've seen Figaro a number of times but this particular production (both the covers and the actual cast) is just amazing. There are reasons this opera is so popular and it's still one of my favorites. The only downside was it really made me miss singing. Once I settle in this fall, I think I want to get a score and start learning Suzanna just for the heck of it. Finding a voice teacher also is on my to-do list. Ideally, someone at GGO knows a good teacher in Budapest .. I just haven't gotten around to asking people. Must do that soon!

Yo-yo

The last week and the two approaching have been/will be ridiculous. I've been driving back and forth between my house, my parents' house, various track meets, etc. All in all, I feel like I'm a yo-yo. Even though I've been moving things out of my house all week, I'm realizing how much more stuff I have to lug back. Add in the necessary sorting of all my stuff into trash, goodwill, store at my parents' house, take to NY, or take to Europe. I'm very glad that it all will be done by June 5. Not looking forward to getting it done, but at least it won't be dragging on all summer.

As if things weren't complicated enough... when I went to check the size requirements for my luggage a few days ago and got a nasty shock. Basically, it boils down to: I am moving to Europe with ONE (1) major suitcase. Yeah... that's going to be a blast. Thankfully, a friend might be able to bring me another suitcase a few weeks after I get there.