Open Letter to Myself of 5 Years Ago

7-1-16

Dear Rose,

                I won’t lie, the next few weeks will suck. You don’t know this yet, but you won’t sleep for the next two days and you will feel terrible. This is your gut telling you to get out of the situation. You won’t do it at first, but after stewing for a few weeks and talking to your “twin” Jen, you will break free. It will take time to recover. While you will get heartbroken in the future, I hope and pray this is the only time you will ever get your mind broken. You will get through it! Don’t beat yourself up when it takes time to heal! You’ve given six months of your life to someone who has sucked you into his warped way of thinking. It will be years before you go to Mass without either feeling guilty because your shirt is “too low cut” or doing it on purpose out of defiance. But these years will pass.

                This isn’t the only challenge you will go through in the coming years. You will meet more Mr. Collinses. Someone you hoped would be a Darcy will turn out to be a Wickam of the vilest sort. And it’s not only in romantic relationships that you will struggle.

                In less than two months, you will be forced to make an excruciating decision. You will know what you have to do, and will do it, but it will rip your heart out. The months after that will be miserable. You will feel close to ok, only to have a friend betray you, or a carpet ripped out from under your feet. You will spend countless hours trapped in your parents’ house wanting to die. It won’t be all bad, however! You will be come much closer to Helen and John. Helen will become one of your best friends. She was a little kid when you left for college and now you’ll get to know her as a young adult. Eventually, you will get a job. Not a good one – but you will enjoy it. And, in the end, this experience will lead you to a career that you love.

                Let me tell you a little more about the next few years. After ten months in the US, you will move back to Hungary. While teaching on the eastern side of the country, you will fall in love – with teaching. The next summer, you will, willingly, move back to the US for grad school. Two years later, you will end up in CHINA. The next summer, you will take the Trans-Mongolian Railway from Beijing to Russia. After that, I can’t tell you; I haven’t lived it yet!

                These years won’t be easy either. You will make and lose friends. You will be betrayed and maligned by someone you trusted. But you will make it!

                Five years to the day after that airport meeting, you will walk down the street in Ulan Bator, Mongolia, almost crying as you mentally compose this letter. None of this would have happened if you had tried to make that relationship work. In the end, you probably would have gotten your heart broken along with your mind. (For future reference, if the idea of kissing someone makes you feel ill, you probably should date them!)

                Today, you are adventurous, happy, living a full life, and FREE. There might be a relationship in your future, but, for now, you are too busy living your life to mind being single.

                I’m going to close now before the tears escape the corners of my eyes and the Mongolian family in my cabin on the train think I’m nuts. I am so proud of all you/I have accomplished and I can’t wait to see what’s next!

                I’m rooting for you!

                                                Rose

Rings (tried and failed to think of a catchy title)

There is something I find incredibly attractive about a famous person (specifically men) wearing a wedding ring.

Before anyone jumps on my case... I am not saying that I would ever consider pursuing one of these men. Quite the contrary. It is their very unavailability that I find so attractive. That they have no problem with this quiet statement that they love their wife. It gives me hope. Not that I expect to marry someone famous, if I do get married in the first place. But that, some guy will someday wear a ring as a symbol of his commitment to me.

I think it's especially awesome when said famous person has a career as a performer. Yes, their job may require them to be linked romantically with various women. But, on their time, that ring makes it clear where their allegiances lie. Of course, in my case, I would probably be the one in the relationship on stage. Thinking about it though, I can't help but imagine how much easier it would be if my costars were wearing rings in their free time.

The example which inspired this post is really going to shock everyone...

HAHA :-D

Case in point... a gorgeous man, a wedding ring, and an adorable daughter...
Can I have one? Please?
(In Hungary, rings are worn on the left hand during engagement -- for both guys and girls --
and then moved to the right hand after getting married)

** Note.. I didn't realize the picture wasn't showing up at first. Obviously it's fixed now :) Enjoy!

This cool guy I met in Madrid

I promise that I will write about everything that happened during WYD, but if I had to sum it up... I'd have to simply tell you all about this guy that I met.

Before I left, at least two of my friends here made comments about how amazing it would be if I met someone in Madrid. Coming off of this summer (and the months leading up to it), I wasn't sure if I wanted that to happen or really hoped it wouldn't. Taking into account all the gory details not included in my blog post (and there were many, unfortunately, even continuing after the relationship ended), things just got really ugly. I understand that this guy was lashing out because he was hurt. However, that didn't make it any easier. Add in a heavy dose of "Catholic guilt" due to some rad-trad beliefs that he has and I was a mess. Although I doubt he meant to, some things that I heard over and over again really gave me a beating. These aren't doctrines or dogma. Nothing that is essential to Catholic teaching. To sum it up... I do not believe that a woman has to wear a high-necked shirt with a long skirt and a veil to be modest. Modesty is awesome, don't get me wrong. And I definitely consider myself modest. But, when I'm subjected to talk about legalistic rules, I want nothing more than to put on a bikini and go to the beach. When Jesus appears to me and tells me that I must only wear blouses dipping no lower than two finger widths below the pit of my throat and a skirt that fully covers my knees while sitting or standing, I'll listen to Him. Until then, I'll have to keep fighting this ridiculous guilt over nothing. Honestly, when I think about it, what comes to mind is Eowyn's comment to Wormtongue in the Two Towers: "Your words are poison!" ... minus the evil intent.

What does any of that have to do with WYD in Madrid?

Well, my friends were right - sort of. I did meet a guy in Madrid. But then, I've known Him for years. Even so, I really needed the week away with Him. Jesus is the only one who can heal my heart and clean up this mess that I've gotten into. And WYD was the beginning of that. Through the people around me, speakers, bishops, Papa Ben (of course!), and just the general atmosphere, He was present in so many ways. But nothing compares to the sacraments. I was blessed to spend time in adoration twice (technically thrice if you count the Saturday vigil but I wasn't participating in that much for reasons which I'll get into later) -- there is nothing more beautiful than gazing at the very face of God and letting Him gaze back at you... except for receiving Him at Mass. I really needed to go to confession (yet another very tangible expression of His love) and had the chance - finally - on Friday morning. While I don't recommend getting into such a situation, after not being able to receive Communion before I went to the sacrament of reconciliation, it was incredible to to to Mass directly after. Although knowing that I was still so unworthy, being able to welcome Christ into a "freshly cleaned house" was priceless.

SO, was my future husband in Madrid? No clue. I kind of doubt it, even though I met some awesome people and there were more than a million who I didn't meet, but I don't know for sure. And, theoretically, there is always the option of religious life... although there really aren't many opera singing nuns. In any case, the week was spent rediscovering the love of the One who has always loved me and can never stop and, especially right now, that was better than being with anyone else.

What is music really about?

A blog about Sweden will be up in the next couple of days (for some reason, my camera doesn't want to transfer some of the pictures to my computer)... for the moment, I'm turning to a different topic.

A few days ago, I was asked to sing for a kindergarten party (parents) with a '50's theme. Some of the other teachers will be playing as a small jazz ensemble and one of them asked me if I would sing "Fever" - as I responded "sure" he continued with something to the effect of "I don't know if you would want to because it's kind of risque - not exactly Adoramus Te."

Le grand sigh.

Really? Is that honestly the way I come across? That I wouldn't ever sing (or think or do or say) anything not appropriate for church? That my entire personality is "good little Catholic girl" (aka a "Catholic Duggar")? Because, if it is... then people are pretty mistaken. If that was the case, it would have been really difficult for me to have gotten a degree in voice performance. With the exception of sacred pieces, I would challenge anyone to find me a piece of classical vocal music which isn't about love in some form. And some of it gets pretty provocative. That's just what music is about. Ever seen/listened to an opera? Same thing. Love, in it's many forms, has been a, if not the, common theme of music for the entire history of Western classical music.

For the sake of the argument (what I would sing) the following (rough) translations/texts only include things I have actually studied and performed. This means I'm not counting the story of when a close friend had to be told by a coach what the theme was of a French art song titled "C'est l'extase" (Is Ecstasy) ... gee, sounds like a song about a baby playing with a puppy dog, right?

"Offrande" by Hahn (French art song)
On your young breast let me rest my head
Still ringing with your last kisses,
Let it be stilled after the sweet tempest
And let me sleep a little, while you rest.

"Deh vieni, non tardar" from the Marriage of Figaro by Mozart
Susanna is singing to herself thinking of her husband, knowing that he is listening, and knowing he believes she is singing about the Count.
The moment which I will enjoy
without anxiety, in the arms of
my idol, has finally arrived.
Timid feelings, leave my breast;
don't come to disturb
my pleasure!

"Mesicku na nebi hlubokem" from Rusalka by Dvorak
Rusalka, a water nymph, is talking to the moon about her lover, a human.
Give him your beams afar,
tell him, that I wait for him here!
Oh, if his human heart dreams of me,
let this vision awaken!

"Dearest Mama" from The Ballad of Baby Doe by Moore
Baby is writing a letter to her mother telling her about the married man she has fallen in love with.
Dearest Mama,
now I've found him
And he loves me truly too.
Ev'ry moment we're together
We both know it had to be.
But, dear mama, he's not free to marry
It is wrong for us to feel the way we do.
I know he needs me
And that I love him
But I have to give him up
And we must part forever.

Vergebliches Standchen by Brahms (Lied)
My door is locked,
and I won't let you in:
My mother has advised me well!
If you came
It would all be over for me!

Here's a bit of "Fever"
"Never know how much I love you
Never know how much I care
When you put your arms around me
I get a fever that's so hard to bear
You give me fever
When you kiss me
Fever when you hold me tight
Fever
In the morning
Fever all through the night"

Would I sing it? Why not? Personally, I'd rather sing "I'm beginning to see the light" because I have sung it before ... but considering these are some of the lyrics, while I'm fine singing it, maybe it's too much for them :-D
"Then you came and caused a spark
That's a four-alarm fire now
I never made love by lantern-shine
I never saw rainbows in my wine
But now that your lips are burning mine
I'm beginning to see the light"

Ok, rant over :-) ... Sweden will come soon, I promise!