It's been almost a year since my decision to swear off relationships. Most of the year has been fine. So much has happened (crap and otherwise) that a relationship would have just complicated everything. Not to mention the fact that I truly believe it's better for society if I am single. The past few weeks, my subconscious has been rebelling against me. So many strange dreams about me being with different guys in all sorts of romantic situations. Possibly the result of too much Downton Abbey, who knows. The most frustrating thing is that I know most of the guys I'm dreaming about. And, for the most part, I've either dated or wanted to date them IN THE PAST. For a variety of reasons (good, bad, and neutral), none of them are date-able and that's fine. I don't want to date them or anyone else.
I've woken up gagging over a dream to free a criminal so that I could marry him.
I've woken up bewildered after a dream in which I was married to a gay guy.
There have been plenty of others which I don't remember all the details.
Last night, I had a cute dream about being on a school camping trip with a ton of people (we were students) and sneaking into this guy's (not someone I know) room so that we could pray night prayer together. Apparently, neither of us knew that the other was interested but it seemed like we were on the brink of finding out when I woke up. I had a split view both first person and third person omniscient but then the way he had his arm around me wasn't exactly subtle either. This was definitely the most "realistic" of the dreams I've had lately in terms of what I could see myself actually doing (minus being students) had I not sworn off relationships. I wish I could want it to be reality.
I definitely do not believe this dream "means" anything. The last time I had a dream which I thought was foreshadowing turned into a big mess. First, I thought the guy was a neighbor of my parents' who I MAY have spoken 100 words to in my entire life. Second, it was a new student at my uni who I proceeded to pine over for two years. I later became friends with his girlfriend (now fiancée) and she found it hilarious that her boyfriend had been the "man of my dreams." Thirdly, I thought it was my rad-trad ex from last summer -- definitely the worst option out of the bunch.
So, I don't think my dream last night meant anything. But it didn't help that I saw someone who looked just like a "grown up" version of the guy. Sure, the guy is attractive. Yes, I noticed that he didn't have a ring (on either hand). But, NO, I am not going to try and meet him, obsess over him, etc. etc. like myself a year ago would have. My track record just isn't worth it. (And that's not even considering my "slightly older Hungarian man" record because I do not hold one disgusting person's transgressions against a country which condemns his actions just as much as the US does.)
Seriously, though, the dreams need to stop.